Hospital Trip

6:45pm. I was sitting in the church pew and listening to our pastor go over the prayer list. I kept telling my husband I didn't need to go. When a doctor orders you to be on bedrest, they mean you need to be in bed resting!! Somehow he doesn't understand that.

7:05pm. Bible study had began. My second contraction hit.

This repeated itself at 7:25 and 7:50. At 8pm, after dropping our nephews off from taking them with us, I was completely uncomfortable. 8:05...another one. 8:20 I caved after having a few more painful contractions.

I called the doctor on call. She told me to take a hot bath and drink a ton of water. Once my bath was through, lay down immediately. I did that. By 9:45...the pain and contractions were still there. Gave it a little more time before I caved and called her back. She wanted me to come in for monitoring to see what was going on.

Was hooked up on monitors for 2 hours. The contractions were definitely there. However, my cervix was not changing from 1 cm. This is a good thing I thought. The rest of my family wanted them to deliver her.

Even this morning they called and asked me why I didn't ask for them to deliver her. Uh let's think about this. I am 2 days shy of 36 weeks. She is not considered full term. As soon as they got to her, she'd be off to the NICU and I wouldn't be able to hold or feed my child. She'd have an NG tube and oxygen in her plus who knows what else. If I can prevent my child from going through that torture then I am doing it. I will sit here and suffer until it's time.

I want her here, yes. However she is not ready to be here. I have to trust that...even if I am the only one trusting it.

Primary voting

May, 8 2012 - My husband took part in the purest form of democracy. Weeks ago I thought I had my mind made up. I thought it wasn't going to be changed. I early voted. I'll be honest. I don't mind doing that. I voted no to amend our state constitution to define marriage. My reasons at that time were simple. 2 years ago my mother was involved in a not so flattering relationship with a so-called man who beat her. I was there with her to obtain the emergency protection order against him. I was there when the court date came around. I was there after the court date where he tried to run my car off the road driving her back home after the protection order wasn't extended. It wasn't fun seeing my own mother go through this. I told her afterwards if she got back with him I would not be in her life. Thankfully she hasn't.

The wording of the amendment is similar to the wording in one of Ohio - where domestic violence laws have been challenged due to this. I hope and pray this is not in the future for NC.

However, I did change my mind on the issue last week. I could only hope and pray from that point on that my husband did his research. In my life, I define marriage as a man and a woman united in holy matrimony. I swore on a Bible that I would love and cherish the man laying next to me forever. I do not believe in divorce. I see a lot of my peers now who want to make divorce illegal now since the amendment has passed. I think they're full of it and mad at the world right now, but I would support it. I saw my mother go through 3 of them. When I got married I made it clear to my husband we were together forever and I would not entertain any thoughts of a divorce when things were tough.

Does this mean I have an issue against those who are gay? No. It's their personal choice and I am not God. All sins are level at the foot of the cross and if I let a cuss word slip out of my mouth I am just as guilty as they are. All I can do is ask for forgiveness and pray. I want them to have health insurance and legal protection if things go south, but marriage to me always has and always will be a man and a woman committed to each other.

I am appalled at all of the hatred on Facebook after this vote as well. We are grown adults acting more childish than my one year old sleeping in his crib. It disappoints me that if someone doesn't agree with another persons opinion that a war of words goes on.

My husband asked me tonight as we laid down in bed this question. I didn't press my views on him about the amendment. I just told him why I voted no but had a change of heart. "Are you going to be mad at me if I voted yes?"

I just smiled at him and told him no. Then he went on to explain why he voted the way he did. We did this in a civilized manner. No hateful words exchanged. Just I love yous and goodnight afterwards.

Then it made me realize just how blessed I am to have a husband dedicated to making our marriage work.

Now that I've blogged. I'm going to bed. I have a doctor's appointment for my daughter on the way in the morning. Let's hope she's doing amazing in there still. Yeah that biopsy on February 9 never happened. They ran a pregnancy test first. Came back positive and come to find out I was 22 weeks pregnant. Talk about a surprise :)

<3

Sleep deprived, but I like it.

Short update. I am about to go to bed for the night, but I haven't exactly paid any attention to my blog. Poor thing. I am sure it understands.

1. Moved to new house. Still have things to get over here, but we are moved.
2. Pray for me. I go for a few tests February 9. Depending on what they find, they may do a biopsy. I'm not worried now, but it may sink in next week.
3. Pray for my brother and his new wife. May God Bless their marriage, and their life as husband and wife.
4. Zack starts work where I am at on the 6th. Very excited about this change! He's in a different department, but I will get to at least see him more than what I do now.

Okay, that said. I am going to bed. Housework and Bible Study have worn me out. Is it Sunday yet?!

Fragile; I break

It finally happened. I fell all to pieces in my car coming off of I-40. Tears streaming down my face, frustrated with the way life has been the past few month. My little heart broke. My will to manage everything around my life has failed me once again because I feel like people will not purposely allow me to manage the circumstances of my life. Particularly the financial circumstances.

They always say that the biggest strain on marriages today are financial. I highly agree with that. However, no one is, in my belief, financially ready for a marriage or a child. When I became pregnant in August 2010, I had a large savings set back. I had bills caught up. Everything was perfect financially. Then the president of the company I worked for decided to sell his business. October 2010, I was without insurance. I didn't have enough of a savings placed back to handle a difficult pregnancy that required me to make trips to Wake Forest Baptist every month. I sure didn't have the funds or the savings (or the insurance) for the C-Section that came along on March 31, 2011 after 23 hours of labor. It was all pulled out from under me.

It made me realize that I cannot control everything, and it made me realize I need to just try and calm down. However, it's kind of hard when no communication is happening between two people when it needs to happen. We communicate, don't get me wrong. It's mostly about our son, and our days have been. He never wants to discuss the financial situation. I can't stand it. We switched banks not too long ago. I didn't have my license on me, so they didn't allow him to add me to the joint account. He hasn't gone back up to the bank to add me to the account. I have no access to it. How does a marriage work if you feel like you're husband could be doing that on purpose? Finances are split. Bills aren't organized anymore. I watch them go by their due date and then ask him why they haven't been paid. Ask him where his money goes. He has no answers. I have no bank access to see where it goes.

I'm starting to see why studies show financial issues place a strain on a marriage.

In other news, they've given me a sample of a new medicine. Mom said it made her sleepy. I'm scared to take it, as usual. Medicine and I have this strange relationship. I have seen several family members I am close to become addicted to pain pills and nerve pills. I have also had a family member who is also on depression medication, and was swapped from one to the other like what's being done to me and had to be placed on suicide watch. I think that's why depression medication scares me, and why it scared me to have pain medication after both of my surgeries last year.

Speaking of surgeries. I hope I never have to have any again. If I hear one more person say "Oh, things get better when your gallbladder is removed," I think I may slap them. It has been far from better. Acid reflux, heartburn, and ANYTHING but salad make me sick to my stomach. I may be one of the rare cases for that, but it's annoying. The doctor has no explanation, as usual. Maybe I need to quit worrying about it and eat my rabbit food. It'll help me lose weight anyway.

And with that, I think I am going to wrap this up. I'm tired, and I have to take the news medicine. Hope and pray this works out like it should. Otherwise, it's back to the drawing board.

Frayed nerves

Everyday I walk through the door around 6pm, and I am greeted with the most heart warming smile from a little boy who stole my heart from the day I first found out I was pregnant. Sometimes he will doubletime it over to me, sometimes he won't. I am okay with that. I sit in the floor and attempt to give him my full attention for the two more hours he will be awake, hoping and praying one day he understands that I am doing this all for him.

9 days until move day. I have nothing packed. Nothing planned out. I don't feel like it when I come home. All I want to do is spend time with Brayden, and avoid the things that give me an attitude problem when I am home. This has made being around me lately not so pleasant when I am home. My mother is suggesting I go see my doctor again, and possibly my therapist to see if I can sort things out. I would, but I hate the medicine they prescribe, and they only want to treat the depression, not the anxiety. I feel like it's a situation I cannot win.

Then I think about how my brother spent the Christmas holiday, and how I feel about the military failing our soldiers who suffer from PTSD. My brother has done a marvelous job of managing his appointments, triggers, therapy, etc. A buddy of his didn't manage it as well. He is now in jail awaiting trial for a murder and attempted murder charge.

I guess when I think about it, my situation could be much worse. I don't have irrational thoughts. I just worry and lack patience at home. Maybe with a little bit of a lifestyle change, I will be able to shake this. I just have to hang in there.

Normalcy Accomplished

For the first time in weeks, my son was in bed at his normal bedtime. My dogs were inside at their normal inside time. I am curled under the covers around my normal bedtime. The only thing that isn't normal is my husband's work hours. Sam's Club is still open until 10pm. I cannot wait for that aspect of life to return to normal.

11 days and we make a move to Catawba. We are buying land from Mom, temporarily living in my grandfather's old house, and getting a construction loan to build our own house in front of it. I must say this will be a welcomed change. My son will have the space he craves, I will have the silence and privacy of our own place, my husband will have a hideout in the buildings out back filled with wood tools. Hello, progress.

I've started planning Brayden's first birthday. My husband and I are wanting to have it at Glenn Hilton Park. We definitely have a date. March 31st. We can't agree on a time. I am having trouble with a theme. Pinterest has too many wonderful ideas. He likes tractors so I thought maybe a John Deere theme. Seems different from the Thomas the Train and Dinosaur stuff everyone else suggests. Sticking in true fashion of my resolution, my husband and I will decide together. People already want to place their ideas and their thoughts into it. I'm not having it. He is mine and Zack's son, and we will make the decisions. We do not need outside assistance.

I am gaining a sister in law this month. I am trying to allow her and my brother carve their own path. I don't want to throw in my recommendations on what makes my marriage work at them. I don't want to be the in law that bosses them around and tells them what to do. They need to find their own way. Find a way that works for them, and don't let anyone change that. If they asked me for advice, I would tell them fight for your relationship, no matter how many times you just want to give up. You will disagree. It's natural. Don't let that ruin a relationship you want to last forever.

Now that I have my thoughts out for the day, I am going to study the back of my eyelids. 7am comes early, and tomorrow will be busy at work.

Baking Soda and Mother-Daughter bonding

Who could ever guess in their wildest dreams that baking soda could lead to a New Years Eve full of mother-daughter bonding time? Lord knows it was much needed. I haven't had the opportunity to spend time with my mother since my grandmother's death.

Brayden wasn't feeling well last night. I think that's the first thing we need to thank the Lord for. It is what it caused me not to go celebrate with my in-laws. Second, Pinterest. No, I am not joking. We both started looking on the website and found so many different things we wanted to try later. Then we found a suggestion on how to clean a glass stove top with baking soda.

My poor grandmother tried for years and years to clean that stove top while she was here and had no success in accomplishing that feat. The suggestion was take baking soda, sprinkle it over the spot that needed to be cleaned (all over the stove in our case!), take a rag, soak it in hot water and soap, wring it out where its pretty wet still but not full of water and spread it on the stove for 15 minutes. Then you scrub.

We literally stood in the kitchen for 15 minutes talking about how if it worked, our cousin Bev would be correct in how she says baking soda has a ton of uses. 15 minutes later, we scrubbed. We probably did this for another good 10 minutes, but almost 15 years of stove build up is off the stove now.

More importantly, my mother and I learned something new together.

It will be a story to pass along to my son one day, in hopes that when he does have a family of his own (when he reaches age 60!) he will have a story of his own like this to share.

Well, as I took a break from typing this out, I have managed to have my first injury of the new year. I stabbed my thumb with a knife while loading the dishwasher. Go figure. Nothing a Hello Kitty bandaid cannot fix :) I don't believe it's a deep stab.

I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year!! Until next time.

New Years Resolutions

I always say each year I refuse to make a New Year's Resolution of any type. I typically find them pointless, and they are something I have never kept in my life. This year, things will be different. Maybe it's because there's a little boy in my life who looks at me and calls me "Mama". I want to be a better person for him, and set as perfect of an example I can for him. I know we are all far from perfect, but I can at least try and come close to showing him how life should be.

1. EAT HEALTHIER
• I have been slacking on this, until I started my new job. Usually I find the pattern with any new job is that I gain weight. I have actually successfully lost 5 pounds with this new job. They literally make it easy for you to eat healthy at work. They are also allowing us to go to Weight Watchers for free starting tomorrow. It is something I am going to take apart in. I need a healthier lifestyle for my son, aside from all the other added benefits
2. BE FINANCIALLY RESPONSIBLE
• Financially speaking, I can control myself. I don't indulge in myself except for one day of the year. Each of the 364 days, it's usually my husband. I need to find that happy medium to where he is not blowing through money, and to where we are saving more. Brayden has his own savings account that is automatically deposited from each of our paychecks. Now, if we can start something like that for ourselves, I would feel a little more financially responsible
3. TAKE CONTROL OF MY LIFE
• This is something God is going to have to help me with. I think he knows this already because Lord knows I have shot off my mouth more than I should have since Brayden was born. I need to come to the fact that just because a few people do not accept me for who I am, and want to control my life, doesn't mean I need to sour someone else's cornflakes. Once again, I am not perfect. I have never claimed to be. However, someone out there thinks I am perfect for him. Enough so to be married to him and have his son. I am who I am, and I refuse to appease everyone but myself. I am going to raise my son my way. I don't need help with it. What I need is for people not to meddle. I also need to understand that just because I know they gossip about me behind my back, doesn't mean I need to do the same. Gossip needs to find it's way out of my life.
4. BLOG EVERYDAY
• This should be easy. I own a smartphone. I am sure there is a way to update this blog everyday. I want to keep up with the things my son is doing. I don't always remember to write them down in his baby book, so maybe if I have them someplace else, I can use it to update the baby book.

So that's it. Four resolutions. Here's to keeping them for 2012! Happy New Years!

i just want your kiss. i wanna feel just like this one last time.

There's something about Kellie Pickler that I haven't put my finger on just yet. I mean it. The woman is amazing. I didn't like her on American Idol. At all. I was like "Go back home to Albemarle and just stay there." But now...let me tell you. I've had her album on here at work for the past hour. We have this thing called a Sound Blade, and it's a stereo bluetooth speaker system that plays your music on your phone. I've had it on my phone all day. Neat little accessory. $140.00 for it though. I'm considering it.

As far as rest went, it sucked last night. SUCKED. I won't go into details but it's times like last night that I wish Zack and I didn't live with others. I'll leave it at that.

Which reminds me, December 12th I need to find another place to stay. I can't have sleepless nights again during holiday hours. Not when I have to open up a store the next day at 8am and stay there until 9pm. Not cool.

Tarheels lost to 'Cuse. That's all I'm saying about that.

Bobcats game tomorrow. PSYCHO T IS BACK!!!!!! Yeah we're excited. Would have loved to see Lawson too, but it's alright. Another time, another game. The season is still young. Go Pacers. LOL

I guess that's it for now. Mamaw's calling.

now i know what everybody means when they say love, love, love is looking good, good, good on you

Did you watch the CMA awards last night? Okay, I was torn in so many emotions. First off, I'm kind of ticked off at Brooks and Dunn. I think the way they snubbed Jennifer Nettles when she polietly invited Kix and Ronnie to come up and say something to their fans was wrong. When I was a little girl, I loved Brooks and Dunn. They were 2nd behind Reba. To see them not say anything to the fan base that has followed them for 20 years felt wrong. It felt like a personal blow. However, Jennifer Nettles has this crazy emotion when she sings the most beautiful songs. "Keep You" was the song that got me through my marriage last year. It's hard to believe how far Zack and I have come since then.

I feel like Peyton Sawyer. I can give you a playlist for each moment in my life. Like when I had my first real boyfriend I could probably tie it up with "How Did I Fall In Love With You" cause well, that started out as a friendship. He was dating one of my childhood best friends at the time and something clicked with us. I do not know what it was. Have no clue. Do I regret it? Sometimes. When I think about it, it was something I had to go through. I had to learn what a decietful person he was on my own.

When he left, "Tennessee" was my anthem by the Wreckers. I was looking at moving out of state. I had never felt that low in my life. I had this other friend going through a rough break up too. The girl had lied to him, told him she was pregnant with his child, then two weeks later she miscarried. Then he finds out she didn't even miscarry. She cheated on him and the baby wasn't his. We were there for each other. I kept telling him I thought about going to school out of state and trying to make something for myself. I needed to do that. By October 2006, it was decided that I would attend Sam Houston State University in August 2007.

Well..."Gravity" kicked in by then (Yes, John Mayer). Around February 2007. This friend...well...we started dating. It was a thing of ups and downs. He kept telling me he wanted to tell me he loved me, but he wanted to be sure. He didn't want to say it and then later decide he didn't mean it. Ladies and Gentlemen...this is the time I dated my husband.

July 2007 ..we were married. Obviously I didn't move out of state.

Okay, enough of my playlist! Really!

JENNIFER NETTLES. BEAUTIFUL PERFORMANCE! I need to look up the music video. I loved "Stay" and if she showed that same emotion through "Keep You" then I suppose I'll bawl through that video too.

TAYLOR SWIFT! Girl has come a long long long long way.

LADY ANTEBELLUM WON AN AWARD TOO! So proud of them. Especially Hillary. Her mother is proud, I'm sure. I loved her mother. Still do. "Does He Love You"...best duet ever. EVER. EVER EVER EVER. No Reba isn't her mother. Linda Davis is.

Anyway. We finished our Christmas pictures yesterday. Take a look!

The last one has the FUNNIEST story. The kids..Well Hayden (The littest boy) wouldn't stand still. He was getting antsy. He's 2. That explains it all. Adyson just didn't want to smile at all. So Adyson started screaming and then she laughed, then Hayden laughed with her. So we all started screaming for a few seconds them the kids would laugh and tada...we'd get a good picture. Hilarious moment. Micah got bored with it eventually and just grabbed onto me and hung on my back after a while. Lol.

So yeah. I guess that's it. I'll end my useless ramblings here for now. Zack's coming home soon and I must stay up til midnight. Friday the 13th is upon us and it's also his birthday!! I'd love to find out if I was pregnant tomorrow and it be positive. I'd so put a bow on my belly and tell him Happy Birthday, but alas. I must wait for God's time. Patience is everything, right??

so tell me would he ask you to dance in the rain like we used to do?

Seriously!! Charles Kelley is love right now. The man has definitely grown in the vocal department from his old indie stuff to his new Lady Antebellum stuff. I cannot wait for them to come back around. Last time I saw them was October 2008, and I miss them. My mother misses their guitar player too. She has a secret crush on him. HAHA. When we saw them in October 2008, they were with Jason Aldean. We watched Lady A and then left. Now we're both kicking ourselves for that because well...we like Jason Aldean now!! He has some great songs!

Okay, aside from my undying love from Charles Kelley...I am offically 3 days late. Yes ladies, that kind of late. Late is normal for me, I keep telling myself. I'm trying not to go rush out and buy a HPT right now. Resisting that urge so bad. It's rather difficult because I want to know if I am or if I'm not. I know Zack wants to know. It makes me want to go out and get one now because his birthday is Friday, and if I am...well there's his birthday present! If not, it's wait and see for a few weeks if I start on my own. If I don't, it's back to the doctor for another round of Clomid. Got to love PCOS and infertility. It'll all be worth it in the end, I assume.

I've had 3 days off this week already. Monday, Tuesday (TODAY), and tomorrow. Yesterday we went out to Glen Hilton Park with Zena, Stephen, and her kiddos for pictures. The kids didn't cooperate AT ALL. So the only good pictures we got yesterday before it became dark was the ones of me and Zack together. Here's a few that you can see right now. I'll even post a link to the photographer's MySpace. We actually went to school together. She graduated with me or Zack one. Can't remember.

How cute are they?! Seriously, go check her other stuff out at http://www.myspace.com/chasing.daylight.photos We're having them finished up here at the house tomorrow in front of our BEAUTIFUL fireplace. Mucho excited.

So I guess that's it. I have a LONG RESEARCH PAPER to finish typing up. 10 PAGES. So I better get to it. More to come tomorrow I'm sure! I'll keep you guys updated on baby watch lol.

he comes in and wraps his arms around me, and i don't even have to say a thing

I can't figure out why in the world I can't keep up with this thing. Probably because I have yet to find a suitable application to update it with on my Blackberry. Yes, I have a Crackberry addiction that I need severe rehab for. I suppose it comes from my job. I wouldn't have even thought of using a Blackberry if it wasn't for work. Let me tell you, if you don't have one you need to try one. Grab one of your friends Blackberrys and give it a spin. Don't be overwhelmed by the operating system on it. It's going to look foreign to you until you get used to it. Then, you'll fall in love. There's a reason they have a 97% stick rate.

Stressed is the word of the day. This morning I felt completely refreshed thanks to daylight savings. I've been having a lot of back pain this week, but I'm just blaming the Clomid until proven otherwise. I did have a positive ovulation predictor kit test come back, so that is a plus sign. It means I'm going to have my period again! I'm not sure if I need to be jumping up and down on that one, or dreading it though. I pretty pleased. I'm ready for a baby.

Got to work, and one of the girls was late again. She was out, again. Drinking all night, again. Didn't make it in until 11:45. It's pretty normal for her. It's getting a little old for me to see her get away with it. She's a cool girl outside of work, but inside work we all need to have our act together and be grown ups. Otherwise, things don't go so smoothly.

Found out around 2 or 3 today that Jason was going to the ER because he didn't feel well. Jason is my brother for those of you who don't know me. He's a Specialist in the Army. Been over to Iraq for two separate tours, came down with PTSD (and that's been a battle in itself, let me tell you.), yet he's some how made it through all that. He's tough. He hasn't been feeling good the past two days, and he called our uncle just to check in and gave him the symptoms. Our uncle is a pharmacist, and what he doesn't know his wife/our aunt does because she's an RN. With the symptoms he was having, they suspected he was having a bleeding ulcer and urged him to go to the hospital. Thank god he did. Right now he's there -- admitted. He has internal bleeding, and they're trying to pinpoint it so they can treat it. I'm scared, I'll admit that. I also know that my brother is a grown up now. He's not the little kid who always stuck around me and wanted to annoy me, yet wanted to protect me at the same time. If something were to happen to him, I'd go crazy. We're closer now than we've ever been, and I wouldn't trade the world for it. Just say a special prayer for him, please.

Speaking of prayers and all things religious, Zack and I have found a church to go visit on Sunday. Sandy Ridge Baptist. They just lost their preacher to suicide not too long ago, but they're doing well. Plus they have a 9am service that I can go to and get out in time to go to work. No more excuses for me not to be in church. Zack reluctantly agreed, but I know he'll come around eventually. We need God in our lives for anything to work. This is a step in the right direction.

Other than that, things are going okay. I'm getting ready to transfer to a new store. I made that decision tonight. It's bittersweet, but it's what I need. A new start. There's only going to be 2 seasoned reps in the store, and I'm going to be one of them. Maybe if I prove I can do this, I can be promoted. That's what I want. Management! Oh, and my sister in law has a job there too now! This is going to be fun and interesting!! I'm just happy she has a job now!!

So I think that's it. Going to wrap this up and go to bed. Long day ahead of me tomorrow morning. Goodnight!

9:10PM Update: Jason has a NG tube in place. Basically a tube that goes into the nose, past the throat, and into his stomach. They're draining and clearing everything out of his stomach so they can do a scope in the morning to see if it is an ulcer and if it's bleeding. Please keep him in your prayers.

It's so not Caturday, but the cat thinks it is!

So, today is Monday. It's extremely rare that I have a Monday off, let alone two Mondays straight! I'm not complaining. Believe me, I'm not! Zack is usually off from Sam's on Mondays, so this afternoon will definitely be husband wife bonding time. I have already made plans. We're going to Walmart to purchase candy, bags, and a pumpkin. Maybe even something for Garfield/Tigger/Spot Jr. We can't figure out a name for him! He's fat, he's an orange tabby, and he's spoiled. Anyway back to the plans. I'm going to make treat bags for my neice, nephews, and Zack's littlest cousins. Total count: 8 kiddos!

I haven't carved a pumpkin since I was a child, but it's something that I've been wanting to do this year for some reason. Maybe it's because I have Halloween off this year. I'm not so sure. I want to find a church to do a trunk or treat at too. Or just maybe I can stay at home and do trick or treating. I have a whole week to figure that one out, and when I do, it's game on! I'm dressing up too. A pack of Jelly Bellys!

Wednesday is going to be a big day. I have to be down in Charlotte at 8am for Blackberry Expert Training. Oh joy! I already know plenty about these devices. I could tell you how they worked. I'm not saying it to be egotistical or anything. I'm just saying I do not see the point in me going down there when I could probably teach the trainer something. I should not complain, however. I am getting paid $100.00 to go down there afterall. Then Wednesday morning Charter is coming over to install the internet. I'm excited about that because we'll get Netflix back on the xbox! Yes, I'm spoiled with all this technology. It makes me even lazier, I believe.

Other than that, there's not much going on. I'm just preparing for Halloween and all the joys that go with such a holiday. I also need to buy my mother in law a birthday present. I was thinking Victoria's Secret Appletini stuff since she likes that. It'd be a pain to try and get everyone together to make a big family portrait now since her birthday is on Halloween. Maybe for Christmas it might be an option. Get Zack and I, Zena & Stephen and Micah, Adyson, and Hayden all together. Take one big picture and give it to her from all of us for Christmas. She might love that.

Okay, I need to end the rambling. Time for me to put my cute little earrings back on so I can go out in public again! I actually put on makeup today and dressed up nicely. Makes me feel confident. Should do it more often.

Something Old, Something New

Blogging is something that I have tried time and time again. I could never keep in one "blog" for an extended amount of time. Not since I left Kiwibox. Let me tell you, I loved that place. It was where I felt I could talk freely about what was going on in my life without fear. I had no fears telling strangers what was going on with my relationship, or how hard going through high school things really was. It was where I met my bestest -- or my best friend -- my twin, whatever you want to call her (HI CORI!). Kiwibox hold a wonderful amount of good memories for me. It also started my computer geek phase as well. A phase that even to this day I refuse to grow out of.

It's been almost 6 and a half years since I graduated high school. I've tried college time and time again, but it felt like I couldn't find that perfect balance between work, school, and a love life. At least not until I found Zack. I had my priorities mixed up after high school. I started dating a guy who before had crushed me, and everyone kept telling me it would happen again. I kept denying it. We all live, and we all learn, and that definitely was a lesson learned. It made me grow up. It made me become stronger. It made me realize that there IS someone out there who would treat me with respect and give me the all the love I deserve. It also made me realize that a huge pair of ears isn't a reason to exclude someone from ever falling in love with you. Yes, I didn't want to date Zack for the longest time because of his ears! I affectionately refer to him as Dumbo now, and he sometimes calls me Scuzzlebutt, Grumpybutt, or Tinkerbell -- whichever fits his mood at the moment.

With marriage comes all the things that seem to try to get in your way. Last year when Zack and I had decided we were ready to try for children, we found out that I was incapable of producing a child without a little help of fertility methods. I was diagnosed with PCOS -- Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. To put it in simple terms, I do not have normal periods due to the fact that I do not ovulate. When it's time for me to ovulate naturally, instead of ovulation my eggs stay put. Because they are not released in time, they turn to multiple cysts on my ovaries (See poly means multiple cystic ..cysts. Ovarian .. ovaries...Get the name now?). Since I am not releasing anything to be fertalized, I am unable to become pregnant. The first year dealing with that has been hard. I was put on hormones to make me have a period in the first place, and the first cycle we tried of the fertility medication ended badly. I was too emotional, too frustrated, and I took it all out on Zack. I shouldn't have done it, but it happened for a reason. I firmly believe God had it happen for a reason. He wanted to put our marriage to the test, and we passed. It took a lot to hold us together for a month, but we held on, and we made it with God's grace.

In September I had a test done called a hysterosalpingogram. In simple terms, it's where they insert a cath through your miss priss and into your uterus (talk about pain.) and then the cath inserts radioactive dye into your uterus, tubes, and finally to your ovaries to make certain there are not blockages. Lucky me, the pain was worth it. No blockages!! After that test, Zack had to go make sure he was normal (he was) and this month we are back on Clomid. I'm praying that God's will be done as far as the baby situation goes. I have names picked out. At least the middle names. Remember I said something about my bestest? If we ever are blessed with a girl (and I hope we are!!) we have decided her middle name will be Elizabeth. If we are ever blessed with a boy, his middle name will be Thomas (Zack's first name is Thomas..he goes by his middle name!). I know I'm getting ahead of myself on names. I need a child first, right? That's where God comes in. I make wishful plans for the future, and if I become blessed with a child then so be it.

So, I think I pretty much just spilled out my whole reproductive system in this one entry. I hope you found it tasteful and interesting. I think this is the start of venting out all my frustrations about the process here. I hope no woman ever has to go through something like this. Never in my wildest dreams have I thought it would happen to me, but things happen. God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle. If anything, PCOS has made me closer to him.

So, with that said, I need to start on dinner. Might watch a ballgame with the husband when he comes home from work. Lord knows I miss him. Miss him lots!! Everyone have a wonderful night. Let's hope I can keep up with this from now on!!