Hospital Trip

6:45pm. I was sitting in the church pew and listening to our pastor go over the prayer list. I kept telling my husband I didn't need to go. When a doctor orders you to be on bedrest, they mean you need to be in bed resting!! Somehow he doesn't understand that.

7:05pm. Bible study had began. My second contraction hit.

This repeated itself at 7:25 and 7:50. At 8pm, after dropping our nephews off from taking them with us, I was completely uncomfortable. 8:05...another one. 8:20 I caved after having a few more painful contractions.

I called the doctor on call. She told me to take a hot bath and drink a ton of water. Once my bath was through, lay down immediately. I did that. By 9:45...the pain and contractions were still there. Gave it a little more time before I caved and called her back. She wanted me to come in for monitoring to see what was going on.

Was hooked up on monitors for 2 hours. The contractions were definitely there. However, my cervix was not changing from 1 cm. This is a good thing I thought. The rest of my family wanted them to deliver her.

Even this morning they called and asked me why I didn't ask for them to deliver her. Uh let's think about this. I am 2 days shy of 36 weeks. She is not considered full term. As soon as they got to her, she'd be off to the NICU and I wouldn't be able to hold or feed my child. She'd have an NG tube and oxygen in her plus who knows what else. If I can prevent my child from going through that torture then I am doing it. I will sit here and suffer until it's time.

I want her here, yes. However she is not ready to be here. I have to trust that...even if I am the only one trusting it.

Primary voting

May, 8 2012 - My husband took part in the purest form of democracy. Weeks ago I thought I had my mind made up. I thought it wasn't going to be changed. I early voted. I'll be honest. I don't mind doing that. I voted no to amend our state constitution to define marriage. My reasons at that time were simple. 2 years ago my mother was involved in a not so flattering relationship with a so-called man who beat her. I was there with her to obtain the emergency protection order against him. I was there when the court date came around. I was there after the court date where he tried to run my car off the road driving her back home after the protection order wasn't extended. It wasn't fun seeing my own mother go through this. I told her afterwards if she got back with him I would not be in her life. Thankfully she hasn't.

The wording of the amendment is similar to the wording in one of Ohio - where domestic violence laws have been challenged due to this. I hope and pray this is not in the future for NC.

However, I did change my mind on the issue last week. I could only hope and pray from that point on that my husband did his research. In my life, I define marriage as a man and a woman united in holy matrimony. I swore on a Bible that I would love and cherish the man laying next to me forever. I do not believe in divorce. I see a lot of my peers now who want to make divorce illegal now since the amendment has passed. I think they're full of it and mad at the world right now, but I would support it. I saw my mother go through 3 of them. When I got married I made it clear to my husband we were together forever and I would not entertain any thoughts of a divorce when things were tough.

Does this mean I have an issue against those who are gay? No. It's their personal choice and I am not God. All sins are level at the foot of the cross and if I let a cuss word slip out of my mouth I am just as guilty as they are. All I can do is ask for forgiveness and pray. I want them to have health insurance and legal protection if things go south, but marriage to me always has and always will be a man and a woman committed to each other.

I am appalled at all of the hatred on Facebook after this vote as well. We are grown adults acting more childish than my one year old sleeping in his crib. It disappoints me that if someone doesn't agree with another persons opinion that a war of words goes on.

My husband asked me tonight as we laid down in bed this question. I didn't press my views on him about the amendment. I just told him why I voted no but had a change of heart. "Are you going to be mad at me if I voted yes?"

I just smiled at him and told him no. Then he went on to explain why he voted the way he did. We did this in a civilized manner. No hateful words exchanged. Just I love yous and goodnight afterwards.

Then it made me realize just how blessed I am to have a husband dedicated to making our marriage work.

Now that I've blogged. I'm going to bed. I have a doctor's appointment for my daughter on the way in the morning. Let's hope she's doing amazing in there still. Yeah that biopsy on February 9 never happened. They ran a pregnancy test first. Came back positive and come to find out I was 22 weeks pregnant. Talk about a surprise :)

<3

Sleep deprived, but I like it.

Short update. I am about to go to bed for the night, but I haven't exactly paid any attention to my blog. Poor thing. I am sure it understands.

1. Moved to new house. Still have things to get over here, but we are moved.
2. Pray for me. I go for a few tests February 9. Depending on what they find, they may do a biopsy. I'm not worried now, but it may sink in next week.
3. Pray for my brother and his new wife. May God Bless their marriage, and their life as husband and wife.
4. Zack starts work where I am at on the 6th. Very excited about this change! He's in a different department, but I will get to at least see him more than what I do now.

Okay, that said. I am going to bed. Housework and Bible Study have worn me out. Is it Sunday yet?!

Fragile; I break

It finally happened. I fell all to pieces in my car coming off of I-40. Tears streaming down my face, frustrated with the way life has been the past few month. My little heart broke. My will to manage everything around my life has failed me once again because I feel like people will not purposely allow me to manage the circumstances of my life. Particularly the financial circumstances.

They always say that the biggest strain on marriages today are financial. I highly agree with that. However, no one is, in my belief, financially ready for a marriage or a child. When I became pregnant in August 2010, I had a large savings set back. I had bills caught up. Everything was perfect financially. Then the president of the company I worked for decided to sell his business. October 2010, I was without insurance. I didn't have enough of a savings placed back to handle a difficult pregnancy that required me to make trips to Wake Forest Baptist every month. I sure didn't have the funds or the savings (or the insurance) for the C-Section that came along on March 31, 2011 after 23 hours of labor. It was all pulled out from under me.

It made me realize that I cannot control everything, and it made me realize I need to just try and calm down. However, it's kind of hard when no communication is happening between two people when it needs to happen. We communicate, don't get me wrong. It's mostly about our son, and our days have been. He never wants to discuss the financial situation. I can't stand it. We switched banks not too long ago. I didn't have my license on me, so they didn't allow him to add me to the joint account. He hasn't gone back up to the bank to add me to the account. I have no access to it. How does a marriage work if you feel like you're husband could be doing that on purpose? Finances are split. Bills aren't organized anymore. I watch them go by their due date and then ask him why they haven't been paid. Ask him where his money goes. He has no answers. I have no bank access to see where it goes.

I'm starting to see why studies show financial issues place a strain on a marriage.

In other news, they've given me a sample of a new medicine. Mom said it made her sleepy. I'm scared to take it, as usual. Medicine and I have this strange relationship. I have seen several family members I am close to become addicted to pain pills and nerve pills. I have also had a family member who is also on depression medication, and was swapped from one to the other like what's being done to me and had to be placed on suicide watch. I think that's why depression medication scares me, and why it scared me to have pain medication after both of my surgeries last year.

Speaking of surgeries. I hope I never have to have any again. If I hear one more person say "Oh, things get better when your gallbladder is removed," I think I may slap them. It has been far from better. Acid reflux, heartburn, and ANYTHING but salad make me sick to my stomach. I may be one of the rare cases for that, but it's annoying. The doctor has no explanation, as usual. Maybe I need to quit worrying about it and eat my rabbit food. It'll help me lose weight anyway.

And with that, I think I am going to wrap this up. I'm tired, and I have to take the news medicine. Hope and pray this works out like it should. Otherwise, it's back to the drawing board.

Frayed nerves

Everyday I walk through the door around 6pm, and I am greeted with the most heart warming smile from a little boy who stole my heart from the day I first found out I was pregnant. Sometimes he will doubletime it over to me, sometimes he won't. I am okay with that. I sit in the floor and attempt to give him my full attention for the two more hours he will be awake, hoping and praying one day he understands that I am doing this all for him.

9 days until move day. I have nothing packed. Nothing planned out. I don't feel like it when I come home. All I want to do is spend time with Brayden, and avoid the things that give me an attitude problem when I am home. This has made being around me lately not so pleasant when I am home. My mother is suggesting I go see my doctor again, and possibly my therapist to see if I can sort things out. I would, but I hate the medicine they prescribe, and they only want to treat the depression, not the anxiety. I feel like it's a situation I cannot win.

Then I think about how my brother spent the Christmas holiday, and how I feel about the military failing our soldiers who suffer from PTSD. My brother has done a marvelous job of managing his appointments, triggers, therapy, etc. A buddy of his didn't manage it as well. He is now in jail awaiting trial for a murder and attempted murder charge.

I guess when I think about it, my situation could be much worse. I don't have irrational thoughts. I just worry and lack patience at home. Maybe with a little bit of a lifestyle change, I will be able to shake this. I just have to hang in there.

Normalcy Accomplished

For the first time in weeks, my son was in bed at his normal bedtime. My dogs were inside at their normal inside time. I am curled under the covers around my normal bedtime. The only thing that isn't normal is my husband's work hours. Sam's Club is still open until 10pm. I cannot wait for that aspect of life to return to normal.

11 days and we make a move to Catawba. We are buying land from Mom, temporarily living in my grandfather's old house, and getting a construction loan to build our own house in front of it. I must say this will be a welcomed change. My son will have the space he craves, I will have the silence and privacy of our own place, my husband will have a hideout in the buildings out back filled with wood tools. Hello, progress.

I've started planning Brayden's first birthday. My husband and I are wanting to have it at Glenn Hilton Park. We definitely have a date. March 31st. We can't agree on a time. I am having trouble with a theme. Pinterest has too many wonderful ideas. He likes tractors so I thought maybe a John Deere theme. Seems different from the Thomas the Train and Dinosaur stuff everyone else suggests. Sticking in true fashion of my resolution, my husband and I will decide together. People already want to place their ideas and their thoughts into it. I'm not having it. He is mine and Zack's son, and we will make the decisions. We do not need outside assistance.

I am gaining a sister in law this month. I am trying to allow her and my brother carve their own path. I don't want to throw in my recommendations on what makes my marriage work at them. I don't want to be the in law that bosses them around and tells them what to do. They need to find their own way. Find a way that works for them, and don't let anyone change that. If they asked me for advice, I would tell them fight for your relationship, no matter how many times you just want to give up. You will disagree. It's natural. Don't let that ruin a relationship you want to last forever.

Now that I have my thoughts out for the day, I am going to study the back of my eyelids. 7am comes early, and tomorrow will be busy at work.

Baking Soda and Mother-Daughter bonding

Who could ever guess in their wildest dreams that baking soda could lead to a New Years Eve full of mother-daughter bonding time? Lord knows it was much needed. I haven't had the opportunity to spend time with my mother since my grandmother's death.

Brayden wasn't feeling well last night. I think that's the first thing we need to thank the Lord for. It is what it caused me not to go celebrate with my in-laws. Second, Pinterest. No, I am not joking. We both started looking on the website and found so many different things we wanted to try later. Then we found a suggestion on how to clean a glass stove top with baking soda.

My poor grandmother tried for years and years to clean that stove top while she was here and had no success in accomplishing that feat. The suggestion was take baking soda, sprinkle it over the spot that needed to be cleaned (all over the stove in our case!), take a rag, soak it in hot water and soap, wring it out where its pretty wet still but not full of water and spread it on the stove for 15 minutes. Then you scrub.

We literally stood in the kitchen for 15 minutes talking about how if it worked, our cousin Bev would be correct in how she says baking soda has a ton of uses. 15 minutes later, we scrubbed. We probably did this for another good 10 minutes, but almost 15 years of stove build up is off the stove now.

More importantly, my mother and I learned something new together.

It will be a story to pass along to my son one day, in hopes that when he does have a family of his own (when he reaches age 60!) he will have a story of his own like this to share.

Well, as I took a break from typing this out, I have managed to have my first injury of the new year. I stabbed my thumb with a knife while loading the dishwasher. Go figure. Nothing a Hello Kitty bandaid cannot fix :) I don't believe it's a deep stab.

I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year!! Until next time.