Fragile; I break

It finally happened. I fell all to pieces in my car coming off of I-40. Tears streaming down my face, frustrated with the way life has been the past few month. My little heart broke. My will to manage everything around my life has failed me once again because I feel like people will not purposely allow me to manage the circumstances of my life. Particularly the financial circumstances.

They always say that the biggest strain on marriages today are financial. I highly agree with that. However, no one is, in my belief, financially ready for a marriage or a child. When I became pregnant in August 2010, I had a large savings set back. I had bills caught up. Everything was perfect financially. Then the president of the company I worked for decided to sell his business. October 2010, I was without insurance. I didn't have enough of a savings placed back to handle a difficult pregnancy that required me to make trips to Wake Forest Baptist every month. I sure didn't have the funds or the savings (or the insurance) for the C-Section that came along on March 31, 2011 after 23 hours of labor. It was all pulled out from under me.

It made me realize that I cannot control everything, and it made me realize I need to just try and calm down. However, it's kind of hard when no communication is happening between two people when it needs to happen. We communicate, don't get me wrong. It's mostly about our son, and our days have been. He never wants to discuss the financial situation. I can't stand it. We switched banks not too long ago. I didn't have my license on me, so they didn't allow him to add me to the joint account. He hasn't gone back up to the bank to add me to the account. I have no access to it. How does a marriage work if you feel like you're husband could be doing that on purpose? Finances are split. Bills aren't organized anymore. I watch them go by their due date and then ask him why they haven't been paid. Ask him where his money goes. He has no answers. I have no bank access to see where it goes.

I'm starting to see why studies show financial issues place a strain on a marriage.

In other news, they've given me a sample of a new medicine. Mom said it made her sleepy. I'm scared to take it, as usual. Medicine and I have this strange relationship. I have seen several family members I am close to become addicted to pain pills and nerve pills. I have also had a family member who is also on depression medication, and was swapped from one to the other like what's being done to me and had to be placed on suicide watch. I think that's why depression medication scares me, and why it scared me to have pain medication after both of my surgeries last year.

Speaking of surgeries. I hope I never have to have any again. If I hear one more person say "Oh, things get better when your gallbladder is removed," I think I may slap them. It has been far from better. Acid reflux, heartburn, and ANYTHING but salad make me sick to my stomach. I may be one of the rare cases for that, but it's annoying. The doctor has no explanation, as usual. Maybe I need to quit worrying about it and eat my rabbit food. It'll help me lose weight anyway.

And with that, I think I am going to wrap this up. I'm tired, and I have to take the news medicine. Hope and pray this works out like it should. Otherwise, it's back to the drawing board.

Frayed nerves

Everyday I walk through the door around 6pm, and I am greeted with the most heart warming smile from a little boy who stole my heart from the day I first found out I was pregnant. Sometimes he will doubletime it over to me, sometimes he won't. I am okay with that. I sit in the floor and attempt to give him my full attention for the two more hours he will be awake, hoping and praying one day he understands that I am doing this all for him.

9 days until move day. I have nothing packed. Nothing planned out. I don't feel like it when I come home. All I want to do is spend time with Brayden, and avoid the things that give me an attitude problem when I am home. This has made being around me lately not so pleasant when I am home. My mother is suggesting I go see my doctor again, and possibly my therapist to see if I can sort things out. I would, but I hate the medicine they prescribe, and they only want to treat the depression, not the anxiety. I feel like it's a situation I cannot win.

Then I think about how my brother spent the Christmas holiday, and how I feel about the military failing our soldiers who suffer from PTSD. My brother has done a marvelous job of managing his appointments, triggers, therapy, etc. A buddy of his didn't manage it as well. He is now in jail awaiting trial for a murder and attempted murder charge.

I guess when I think about it, my situation could be much worse. I don't have irrational thoughts. I just worry and lack patience at home. Maybe with a little bit of a lifestyle change, I will be able to shake this. I just have to hang in there.