Something Old, Something New

Blogging is something that I have tried time and time again. I could never keep in one "blog" for an extended amount of time. Not since I left Kiwibox. Let me tell you, I loved that place. It was where I felt I could talk freely about what was going on in my life without fear. I had no fears telling strangers what was going on with my relationship, or how hard going through high school things really was. It was where I met my bestest -- or my best friend -- my twin, whatever you want to call her (HI CORI!). Kiwibox hold a wonderful amount of good memories for me. It also started my computer geek phase as well. A phase that even to this day I refuse to grow out of.

It's been almost 6 and a half years since I graduated high school. I've tried college time and time again, but it felt like I couldn't find that perfect balance between work, school, and a love life. At least not until I found Zack. I had my priorities mixed up after high school. I started dating a guy who before had crushed me, and everyone kept telling me it would happen again. I kept denying it. We all live, and we all learn, and that definitely was a lesson learned. It made me grow up. It made me become stronger. It made me realize that there IS someone out there who would treat me with respect and give me the all the love I deserve. It also made me realize that a huge pair of ears isn't a reason to exclude someone from ever falling in love with you. Yes, I didn't want to date Zack for the longest time because of his ears! I affectionately refer to him as Dumbo now, and he sometimes calls me Scuzzlebutt, Grumpybutt, or Tinkerbell -- whichever fits his mood at the moment.

With marriage comes all the things that seem to try to get in your way. Last year when Zack and I had decided we were ready to try for children, we found out that I was incapable of producing a child without a little help of fertility methods. I was diagnosed with PCOS -- Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. To put it in simple terms, I do not have normal periods due to the fact that I do not ovulate. When it's time for me to ovulate naturally, instead of ovulation my eggs stay put. Because they are not released in time, they turn to multiple cysts on my ovaries (See poly means multiple cystic ..cysts. Ovarian .. ovaries...Get the name now?). Since I am not releasing anything to be fertalized, I am unable to become pregnant. The first year dealing with that has been hard. I was put on hormones to make me have a period in the first place, and the first cycle we tried of the fertility medication ended badly. I was too emotional, too frustrated, and I took it all out on Zack. I shouldn't have done it, but it happened for a reason. I firmly believe God had it happen for a reason. He wanted to put our marriage to the test, and we passed. It took a lot to hold us together for a month, but we held on, and we made it with God's grace.

In September I had a test done called a hysterosalpingogram. In simple terms, it's where they insert a cath through your miss priss and into your uterus (talk about pain.) and then the cath inserts radioactive dye into your uterus, tubes, and finally to your ovaries to make certain there are not blockages. Lucky me, the pain was worth it. No blockages!! After that test, Zack had to go make sure he was normal (he was) and this month we are back on Clomid. I'm praying that God's will be done as far as the baby situation goes. I have names picked out. At least the middle names. Remember I said something about my bestest? If we ever are blessed with a girl (and I hope we are!!) we have decided her middle name will be Elizabeth. If we are ever blessed with a boy, his middle name will be Thomas (Zack's first name is Thomas..he goes by his middle name!). I know I'm getting ahead of myself on names. I need a child first, right? That's where God comes in. I make wishful plans for the future, and if I become blessed with a child then so be it.

So, I think I pretty much just spilled out my whole reproductive system in this one entry. I hope you found it tasteful and interesting. I think this is the start of venting out all my frustrations about the process here. I hope no woman ever has to go through something like this. Never in my wildest dreams have I thought it would happen to me, but things happen. God wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle. If anything, PCOS has made me closer to him.

So, with that said, I need to start on dinner. Might watch a ballgame with the husband when he comes home from work. Lord knows I miss him. Miss him lots!! Everyone have a wonderful night. Let's hope I can keep up with this from now on!!